Watch the full episode Building Rewarding Relationships (Even) in Strained Times with Melanie Joy

What is Relational Literacy

Melanie Joy, leading psychologist and author of Getting Relationships Right, is globally recognized for pushing human consciousness forward in beautiful ways and exploring the idea of ‘relational literacy’. She uses the term to describe the ‘understanding of an ability to practice healthy ways of relating.’ This idea is at the core of improving our relationships, whether at work or in our personal lives.

Why is understanding relational literacy so important? Well, many of the biggest problems we face in our relationships, both on a personal level and globally, happen because we don’t know how to relate to others in a healthy way. We haven’t learned the practical tools for building good relationships. This leads us to make choices that hurt ourselves and others, preventing us from forming the connections we all want and need. It’s a paradox because empathy is a natural state for humans. Melanie notes:

“We are hardwired to seek meaningful connections with others and to avoid the pain of disconnection. Yet, so often, we engage in the ways of thinking and behaving that create the disconnections that we want to avoid and that seeds many of the pressing problems we are facing in our world today.”

Healthy relationships follow the same basic principles, whether we’re dealing with an individual, a group, animals, the environment, or our own self. It doesn’t mean we treat everyone exactly the same way, but the core principles remain constant. To make these principles work, we need compassion, not just for others but for ourself. Relational literacy ensures that we come to terms with the fact that we’re all human and that we’re all still learning how to make it work. It helps us stay kind to others and ourselves while navigating the twists and turns of relationships.

Melanie Joy, through her research and work, emphasizes the importance of relational literacy in creating a healthier world for all.

The Formula to Thriving Relationships

To cultivate strong connections and nurture thriving relationships with both peers and loved ones, two essential factors come into play: practicing integrity and honoring dignity. These form the foundation. Melanie delves deeper into these factors. Integrity involves aligning your actions with your core values, essentially “walking the walk.” Compassion and justice, identified as consistent core values among primary human values, underpin this integrity. When we practice these values, we extend dignity to others, treating them with the same respect and worthiness that we expect for ourselves.

Reflecting on your own experiences, think about a relationship you consider excellent or even exceptional. Chances are, you feel a deep connection with this person. You trust that they will uphold integrity in their interactions with you, which translates into them showing care, compassion, fairness, and respect. It’s essentially applying the golden rule – treating others as you wish to be treated. Through these actions, they affirm your dignity, sending a clear message that you are no less deserving of respect and consideration than they are.

Now, consider the opposite scenario, a troubled relationship. In this case, you likely experience disconnection rather than connection. They may be failing to uphold integrity in their behavior toward you, violating the principles of care, compassion, fairness, and respect. Consequently, you may feel that your dignity is disregarded or even harmed, as they perhaps perceive you as less worthy of respect. And how is your own behavior toward them?

Loving Yourself Through Loving Others

How can we establish a deeper connection with someone else’s perspective? Melanie Joy suggests that a key approach is to invest more one-on-one time with them. She advises giving yourself the opportunity to engage in individual interactions rather than relying solely on group chats or frequenting numerous group meetings. It involves pausing and genuinely asking people, “How are you?”

Melanie also emphasizes the importance of extending this same consideration to ourselves. She underscores the fact that our primary relationship is with ourselves, and we constantly engage in self-dialogue: “We are always relating to our future self, five minutes from now or five years from now.” 

However, Melanie doesn’t advocate for the idea that we must first love ourselves before we can love and connect with others. Instead, she presents a more relational perspective on love, growth, and human connections. She suggests that we can actually learn to love ourselves through the process of loving others. As social beings, we’re not designed to live in isolation. Psychological issues often arise from our interactions with others, and we experience growth, healing, and even harm through these relationships.

Many people can attest to not initially loving themselves but finding love and connection through their relationships with a newborn baby or a life partner. They learn to love themselves by seeing themselves through the eyes of someone they value and by practicing the principles of healthy relationships with that person. This learning process allows them to apply those principles to themselves

Be Conscious About How You Operate

Building connections isn’t just a matter of external effort; it also requires inner work. Melanie initiates a discussion about the level of awareness with which we operate. Are we fully conscious of our actions and thought patterns? 

At Mentora, one of the Five Core Energies that we base our methodology on is Love. This energy underscores the intrinsic interconnectedness and interdependence of nature, highlighting that we are meant to both care for and be cared for by other human beings and the broader natural world. This philosophy closely aligns with Melanie’s concept of relational literacy, which emphasizes finding respect and love for oneself through our interactions with others.

It calls for a step back from ingrained behaviors, thoughts, and judgments, encouraging the development of mental habits that naturally foster positive feelings toward the people and circumstances we encounter. This introspective journey allows us to comprehend how specific experiences impact us and, in turn, how our emotional sense can influence others. Based on such awareness, we can make choices that align with our values and pursue a path of integrity, ensuring that our inner thoughts and outer actions harmonize seamlessly.