Some time back, my mother-in-law passed away. She was very dear to my wife, and to me. Life deals blows like this to all of us, at one time or another. So it helps to build a system for how we’d respond the next time, in the best possible way.

The grieving and loss are there, because death is final. But it doesn’t have to end there. I have found the following thought experiment to be very helpful.

I imagine what it would be like to be that loved one who has died (let’s visualize this person to be a woman) who cannot anymore return to her earthly life and console or counsel me or others who were dear to her. I imagine her looking down from the skies at me leading my life. And I ask myself, as she looks down at me, what would her wish be for me? How would she want me to be in this moment and the days and years that ensue?

She would not want me to forget her, or trivialize her absence from my life, for that would be wholly unnatural. She would not want me to be detached from my feelings of loss.

And yet, she would not want the burden of my loss to hang very heavy on my shoulders. She would want me to remember her fondly for the gift of shared experiences we had, and for the inspiring qualities she possessed. She would want me to grow by taking some of those qualities I’ve admired in her and making them my own. She would want me to feel a renewed sense of mission for every moment of my life, knowing that these moments are few and fleeting, and that one day it will all come to an end. And she will want me to be in joy, always.

Gratitude. Appreciation. Growth. Mission-orientation. Joy. These five quests help me translate my loss into a deeper inner connection with the departed one, and a more expansive outer connection with life.

If you have lost a loved one, ask yourself, “What would they want for me, and from me?

Warmly,
Hitendra

P.S. A reader shared the following thought experiment with me, after reading mine. Imagine that you’ve lived your life, and upon your death, you are reunited with this loved one you have lost. She asks you, “Tell me, how did you live your life, after I died?”

How would you want to live the rest of your life, knowing that you will one day share this with her?

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