When we tune in to other people’s thoughts and feelings — be it a family member, a colleague at work, a community we are serving, or even a group we stand opposed to — we create the conditions from where understanding, connection, and conflict resolution can emerge. But are people simply born with — or without — empathy?

Not so. It is a muscle we can intentionally build. One way to do so is by using adversities that come to us to make ourselves more loving and empathetic. Let me illustrate this through the story of Buck.

Dan ‘Buck’ Brannaman is an American rancher who is so good with horses — at taming them, training them, and turning them around — that an author wrote a book called “The Horse Whisperer” inspired by Buck’s life, and then Robert Redford made a movie on it.

Buck is greatly admired by ranchers in America, for the very unique way he trains horses. Traditionally in America, horses have been trained by using the instrument of fear — if they don’t do the right thing, the owner will inflict pain on them as a form of punishment. The horse thus learns to instinctually obey over time, out of a fear of punishment.

Buck’s view is that this is the complete opposite of what should be done. He believes horses are naturally drawn to building strong connections with human beings, and that we need to train them with love. Far from “breaking” horses in, Buck communicates to them with love, waving small flags to guide them.

And what is the root of Buck’s incredible empathy? This ability of his to reach out to a horse, to calm them, to understand them, comes from a very difficult personal history. Buck’s mother passed away early, and he had an alcoholic father who would beat him and his brother. They ultimately escaped from their father’s home, ending up in foster care. Buck has shared that it is because he went through such pain as a child that he is so keen that no one should go through it, not even horses. What a beautiful way to turn personal adversity into a deep form of empathy for others.

Are there experiences life has put you through in the past that subsequently have made you better at understanding what certain people may be going through? Are there struggles you have faced which, when you think about it, could help foster greater empathy in you for others?

Warmly,
Hitendra

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