Most of us have heard that we can’t love others until we learn to love ourselves. In one of my earliest Intersections podcast episodes, psychologist and author Melanie Joy put forward a counterargument to this oft-quoted advice — the idea that others can be necessary in our journey of self-love. In her own words:

“When we take a more relational view of love, growth, and of human and non-human connection, we can recognize that we can learn to love ourselves through loving others. We are social animals. We’re not meant to exist in isolation. Feminist psychologists back in the 60s and 70s really started advocating for a more relational approach to understanding human psychology and its development. They said we need to look at people as though we’re islands unto ourselves. We don’t develop, for example, psychological problems generally in isolation of our relationships. We are relational beings. We grow, we heal, and we get harmed in relationship to others.

Many people can testify to the experience of never having felt that they loved themselves, but became loved by their newborn baby or by their partner. They fell in love with the person who became their great love and their life partner and they learned to love themselves through looking at themselves through the other’s eyes. And they learned to love themselves because they started practicing the principles of loving or healthy relationships toward someone who they valued enough to do that. That taught them how to practice these principles and then they could apply them to themselves. So we don’t need to love ourselves before loving others. We can learn to love through loving and being loved.”

When you reflect on your relationships, do you find yourself relating to the kind of experiences outlined above? I invite you to reflect on Melanie’s words today, and how you feel about loving yourself as a consequence of the love you have given and received.

Warmly,
Hitendra

P.S. We all have moments of doubt every now and then in our relationships with ourselves and with others. Would it make sense for you to share this newsletter with some people in your circle who might benefit from Melanie’s insight?

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